hey. (:
i miss you.
i want to see you.
i want to see how you are right now.
i want to be there with you.
i want to see that you're really okay. or whether you're not really okay.
i want to be physically near you.
i think if i could just see you for a day, i'll be okay;
i'll be okay to not wana be in contact with you every so often.
i mean, right now, i just wana call you every once in a while, or chat with you online, basically be in touch with you - pretty much constantly.
especially when i've found out what's just happened to you very recently.
i can't.... i mean, i feel like.. it feels hard that i'm not physically there with you. to be there for you. to look out for you.
sheesh. i don't really know what i'm talking about.
it sounds as though i'm saying you can't take good care of yourself.
& that's really not what i mean.

well, let me just cut to the chase.
i don't know whether i'm truly in love with you, or whether i'm just pretty much obsessed with you.
i mean, i can't help but call you to hear from you, just to know how you are, even though i jolly well know you're pretty busy at work - that i shouldn't even be disturbing/distracting you.
i can't help but call you even though there is that possibility that you could be sleeping or just having your very much needed rest.
i can't help but keep calling each time i don't get through the call, until i eventually hear your voice, or until i'm sure that you're the one rejecting the call for some reason, that there isn't a connection problem.
i don't stop thinking about you, imagining/fantasizing about you, picturing you, wondering about you - i simply can't get you out of my head.
i'm not afraid of losing you.
but i want you. bad.
it doesn't matter to me who you end up being with, as long as i know you are truly happy the way you are, in the place that you are, even just in this fleeting life.
i would feel sad, that you're not with me. but after a while, i'm sure, with God's will, i'll be okay.
but right now, i can't stop wishing, imagining, that i'm with you already.
i can't stop thinking about you.
why is that?
i mean, i can't stop thinking about YOU.
i'm afraid; i'm afraid that i might be losing my real focus, pushing aside/ignoring/dismissing everything else in my life, just because of this thing that i have with you - which i can't say what it really is. is this love? or am i simply so obsessed over you?

i honestly don't know. i guess i could only really know, over time.
but...




i remember the promise i'd made to you.

i don't know what loving is, but i promise, with God's will, i will learn to love you with all i've got, no matter what it takes.



& all that, just because i can feel you sincerely love me - for who i am.



i feel like i love you, for the sake of Allah.



but والله اعلم بالصواب.


but why have i become ignorant of my important duties to Allah?
it seems like i have forgotten that Allah is my utmost priority; my number 1.
He is the One i should never stop thinking about, the One i should be feeling immense love for, the One i should be putting in lots of effort to get to know better, the One i should constantly be aware of, constantly be afraid of, constantly be close to - the One i should be wanting sooo much to be reallly near to, close to.


what has happened to me?
how could i have allowed my feelings/thing for you to be a barrier or to lead me away from what ought to be my main focus, which is fulfilling my duties, my role as a servant to Allah the Almighty, achieving my aim to be a true servant in every possible way towards Allah the Creator, the Almighty, the Beneficient, the Merciful?
what, have i gone astray?

استغفر الله العظيم واتوب اليك